Last July I bought a book called The Letter Q. It’s full of letters from queer authors to their younger selves. I loved this book because it both gives me guidance and inspires me to keep going, not just as a writer but also as a young queer woman. I wanted to do something similar, but I don’t have much life experience or think I could give valuable life advice. Nothing that would really change my life for the better. So I decided to do something a little different and write a letter to my future self.
I don’t think this will be very helpful to anyone but it’s what’s on my mind right now. I also mixed in my New Years resolutions so if you’re curious about those you might want to give it a read. I also have to note that I wrote this letter a month ago.
It feels so weird to address myself. To think of myself as a separate person. I guess that is true. My future self, you, will have had different experiences, different worries, and be, ultimately, a different person. I’m not sure what I should say to you. I suppose this is a good way to reflect so I’ll tell you what’s going on in my life.
I am eighteen years old (almost nineteen) and just about to finish my first semester at university. Right now I’m full of doubt about my future, I almost didn’t realize it until I said it. I doubt I’m good enough for my program and that it’s the right thing for my future. I’m doubting myself as a writer and that my blog will do well. I feel really lost and maybe that’s why I want to remind myself that I do have a future.
Even if I’m not on “the right path” I’m still on a path, which I guess is what I would want to know. Did everything work out? Do I have a job I love? Am I happy? Am I still working towards that same dream of becoming a published author? Am I a published author? I really wish you could comfort me but until I know I just have to keep moving forward.
Because I think the ways in which peoples worries change over a lifetime is interesting I want to tell you what I’m worried about. Right now, I’m worried about being satisfied with my grades, I’m sure I’ll pass I’m just not sure I’ll be happy. I kind of want to make the Dean’s list but I don’t think that will happen at this point. I’m also worried about paying for the university I have left. I’m not overly worried because I am in a good place but student loans will always be stressful.
Other than that I’ve been writing more than the end of the summer but I’m still not at the point I was last March. I’ve been spending more time working on school work and the blog, but I’ve also been spending more time socializing. I spend time with my partner and my friends almost every day. That’s what takes up all of most of my days now, school, writing, and socializing. On Saturdays, I try to go to the Farmers Market. I’m really missing having a car, walking a couple kilometers in the snow to get anywhere hasn’t been the most fun part of university.
In the new year, I want to put more time into being creative but I’m not saying anything concrete as I have six classes in the upcoming semester. I’m also trying to find a summer job but at this point, I’m not too worried about that. Really I’m just all over the place and super busy but I’m still enjoying myself.
Since I’m writing this right before the New Year I wanted to do something I’ve seen a lot of people do which is make a list of things that I want to take with me and do more of in 2018, and a list of things I want to stop doing in 2018. As to the things I want to do more of in 2018 they’re pretty simple, I want to exercise more which I should be able to fit into my schedule easily. I also want to keep doing art and writing, both of which are very important to my well-being. The last of the things I want to keep neutering is spending time with others, I’ve been socializing a lot more then I had in previous years and I want to keep it up.
There are also three things that I really want to leave behind in 2018. The first is wasting time on things that don’t bring me joy, most scrolling through my Instagram feed endlessly. I do that for at least fifteen minutes a day and I just need to stop doing that and be productive. The second is that I want to stop drinking soda at lunch, I think it would be much better if I just stuck to water during the day.
The last thing I want to work on is a little more complicated. I want to stop expecting too much of myself. I set goals for myself with unrealistic timelines, or just too many goals in one period of time to get them done. I always find myself unhappy when I can’t meet my own expectations. I want to start setting realistic goals and to stop beating myself up for not reaching the unrealistic ones.
I’m pretty happy and I have a lot of great people in my life. It seems that the older I get the more content I get. I hope that when I come back to this letter in a couple years I’ll be even happier than.
Grace Taylor (You)